(you need to read this in either a Scottish or New York Gangster voice, it doesn't work in Mockney) First off, get your fucking priorities right. No use trying to get cracking on a half-decent sandwich if a) you don't know what you want to put in the fucker, or b) you don't have the right shit. So work out what shit you need, and then get the right shit. We'll make a BLT. That's bacon, lettuce, tomato. First off, you need bread. Now, I'm talking decent fucking bread. Bloomer's good. Holds the condiments. Plus that shit won't split on you and leave its guts on your fucking hands. You'll need some bacon too. Back bacon's the motherfucker. Better coverage. Not too skinny. Smoked or unsmoked, I don't give a shit. You choose. But cook that shit. Cook three slices of it in the frying pan - not too much fucking oil or you'll fucking die from a fucking heart attack. So, pan's on, bacon's in. Go to the fridge, get out a good white Burgundy. A good one - Meursault or Montrachet, not the shit you take to parties. Open the bottle and pour a little into a clean fucking glass. Swirl it a little, hold it to the light. Admire the herby, savoury nose and have a sip. Now slice the bread. Not too thick or it won't fit in your mouth. Make three slices and hold one in reserve. Every sandwich needs backup. If you want to toast, toast like a pussy so it's golden at most. Any more and you'll slice your fucking mouth. Now get some good butter. President is badass. Lightly salted. Put it on one piece. On the other, spread some mayo. Done? Wipe the fucking surfaces down. Crumbs everywhere. You wanna cause an accident? Shit. Now, peel of a couple bits of lettuce. Make sure it's fresh, and clean as fuck. Put that on the mayonnaised slice of bread. Now get a good tomato. Black ones are the best. If you can't get that, use a small vine-ripened one. Beef tomatoes taste like lint. Slice the fucker quite thickly and roughly. Chuck it on the lettuce. You put it straight on the bread and all you do is make that shit soggy. Have another sip of that crispy, clean white. Good isn't it? Now, the bacon should be done. Get a couple of bits of kitchen roll and put the bacon on them so they soak up the grease and shit. Now get the pan and wash that motherfucker while it's hot. Clean as you go. Clean. As. You. Go. Done? Now put the bacon on the lettuce. Make it jigsaw together. You want total coverage. Grind some pepper on that shit. Put the other bit of bread on. Slice it diagonally. Plate up. Don't waste fucking time. Sit down and eat it. Chew. You want to make another? Tidy up first. Maybe put in some avocado too next time. You want hot sauce too? What am I, your fucking mother? Put it on and shut up. Have some more wine.