Famous opening lines from novels, updated for the internet age

Terrific list by Sean Ryan on the excellent McSweeney's (top marks if you get them all):

“Alice was beginning to tire of sitting by her sister on the bank. She took out her iPhone and played Angry Birds for the next three hours.” - - -

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of an internet startup to call his own.” - - -

“Call me Ishmael_65.” - - -

“Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. Videos of sneezing pandas and narcoleptic cats see to that.” - - -

“For a long time I used to go to bed early, but then my girlfriend bought me an Xbox LIVE Gold membership.” - - -

“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a giant insect. Not literally, obviously. He was playing an MMORPG and this was his avatar.” - - -

“Mother died today. I posted it as my Facebook status.” - - -

“It is a sin to write this. Well, in anything but Helvetica.” - - -

“In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. ‘Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,’ he told me, ‘just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.’ He paused, looked at me and continued, ‘However, if you really must, make sure it’s on the internet and that you do it anonymously.’”